Sex Change no Jutsu
by Rike-sama
Summary: Naruto decides to spend the rest of his life as a girl, much to Sakura's horror, Kakashi's amusement and pervert!Sasuke's delight. And what's this about ramen and Itachi...? ONESHOT.


**Sex Change no Jutsu**

Beta-ed by **Thine-When-Slain** - without her, this thing would be _littered_ with mistakes, so _bow down_ before her beta and pirate powers!

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A Naruto-ff by Rike-sama.

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DISCLAIMER:

If I owned Naruto, this definitely would have happened - repeatedly.

**AUTHOR's NOTE:** As mentioned above, **Thine-When-Slain** beta-ed this and I totally love her for taking the time to do it. Give her a cookie! I command you! XP :proceeds to glomp the living daylights out of her:

The characters are just a tad bit OOC, hopefully you don't mind too much. XP

ENJOY!

**SEX CHANGE NO JUTSU**

"…and that's why, from this day on, I want you guys to call me 'Noriko'!"

There are several types of silence. Comfortable silence, awkward silence, scary silence, shocked silence. The silence that followed this announcement was best described as 'tumble-wheed silence'.

A short blonde girl sporting three whisker marks on each cheek seemed to be totally unfazed by her companions' lack of a response and grinned proudly from ear to ear. It was obvious that this girl was Naruto in his Sexy no Jutsu form – only that he/she/it looked a little different, mainly because she was younger.

The girl – or rather, Naruto – was standing on the bridge where Team 7 usually met before training or missions, the rest of her team surrounding her. There was a gaping Sakura, jaw hanging wider open than it should be possible and a composed Sasuke leaning against the railing, arms crossed over his chest and one eyebrow arching upwards.

Everyone's favorite silver-haired Jounin, Kakashi, was also there but he seemed rather, ah, _preoccupied_ with his XXX-rated book, the infamous Icha Icha Paradise, and ignored everything that was going on.

It took her a while but eventually Sakura regained her compsure and pointed a shaking finger at the still grinning 'Noriko'. "Naruto!", she cried. "stop being an idiot!"

That wiped the happy expression off of 'Noriko's' face and she pouted defensively. "I'm not being an idiot! I mean this. And don't call me Naruto, my name's Noriko!" The blonde then turned around in a huff, leaving Sakura to stare at her back in disbelief.

Deciding to put his own two-bits in Sasuke opened his mouth and said (very eloquently): "Hn." 'Noriko', of course, was able to perfectly translate his cryptic comment to "You obviously have lost your mind. Could you be any dumber? Che, so annoying…" and immediately bristled up with anger, as was to be expected.

"_You!_ Sasuke! You're so…", she started, hands clenched tightly into fists, but was rather rudely interrupted by something colliding painfully with the back of her head. "Na_ru_to!", Sakura said, putting her hands on her hips and tapping her foot disapprovingly. "Leave Sasuke alone!"

Rubbing her abused head 'Noriko' started to whine and pout at the pink-haired girl. "But Sakura-chaaan! He was being a mean bastard!"

Sakura took a deeply offended breath but before the situation could go further out of hand, Kakashi spoke, never looking up from his reading. "Now, Noriko… let me get this straight. You don't want to be a boy anymore?"

'Noriko' was kind of startled to learn that their sensei had been listening the whole time, but she figured she shouldn't be surprised at all and opted to grin like an idiot again. "Yeah!", she exclaimed. "I even invented a special jutsu that allows me to stay in girl form without draining any chakra! I call it 'Sex Change no Jutsu'!"

Kakashi calmly turned a page and ignored Sakura making faces. "Intriguing", he said. "And you don't want to be a boy anymore because…?"

Had he been able to tear his gaze away from his beloved book he would have seen 'Noriko' strike a nosebleed-inducing pose that did the most interesting things to her upper regions. "Well, because being a guy sucks!", she claimed loudly, slamming a fist into her palm. "You always gotta make the first step in relationships and when you take someone out you always gotta pay!"

This was rewarded with several sweatdrops, most of them forming on a twitching Sakura's head. "Naruto!", she yelled. "That's no reason to spend the rest of your life as a girl!"

The blonde contemplated on whether she should pout or glare and settled for pouting in the end. "Noriko! The name is Noriko, get it right! Besides…" 'Noriko' raised a finger and grinned with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "…when I went to the ice cream parlor yesterday in my girl form, some guy bought me lots of ice cream and the guy that sold the stuff gave me some on the house because, and I quote, cute girls shouldn't have to pay!"

Sakura was rendered speechless, Kakashi chuckled slightly – 'Noriko' suspected he wasn't chuckling because of her but because of that perverted _abomination_ he called a _book_ – and Sasuke had a far-away sort of look on his face, probably pondering something or other.

Eventually the only real female of Team 7 started pulling at her hair in frustration. "Argh! Naruto! You can't be serious!" Ignoring the other girl's cry of "It's Noriko! No-ri-ko!" she bit her finger to keep from screaming. Her voice a bit muffled she said: "Free food! What kind of stupid reason is that?"

'Noriko' posed again, this time with one hand behind her head and the other on her hip. She winked and said: "Well, looking as cute and sexy as I do, I can eat _all_ the ramen I want and when I'm asked to pay all I have to do is bite my lip, twiddle my fingers, blush a little, flutter my eyelashes and tell them I think I lost my purse – and they'll _totally _let it slide!"

This time Sakura was openly disgusted and made a face that showed nicely what she though of this. "Don't you have _any_ shame?", she asked, growing exasperated.

'Noriko' tapped her chin and smiled cutely. "Nope, none at all! Not when it comes to ramen!"

Sakura gritted her teeth. "Well, what about me then? Don't you have a crush on me? Don't you like girls? Do you like _guys_?"

The blonde spluttered and blushed a nice shade of red. "_No!_", she was quick to deny. "I mean, you know, just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I have to like _guys!_ I can still like girls!"

A very, very perverted grin slowly stretched across Kakashi's face, but thankfully it was hidden by his mask (and the mask _under that_) or poor 'Noriko' might have died of embarrassment. The Jounin made a mental note to tell Jiraiya about this, he was sure the legendary ninja would get quite a bit of inspiration from it.

"And I still like you, Sakura-chan!", 'Noriko' said, then slyly added after a moment's thought: "You needn't be worried."

It was Sakura's turn to splutter and she cried: "You moron! I just don't want some girl to stalk me and ask me to go out with her! Be_sides_, I like…" She glanced at the raven-haired Uchiha and started to play with her fingers, blushing furiously. "Nevermind…", she mumbled quietly.

'Noriko' glared at an indifferent looking Sasuke. "You!", she yelled angrily.

The boy looked her up and down, taking in her appearance and allowed a tiny, barely noticeable smirk to steal itself on his face when their eyes locked.

The blonde scowled and glared some more, then her expression suddenly changed so aprubtly it was scary and she smiled up at her rival sweetly. "See something you like?", she asked, striking another pose and twirling a strand of her hair around her right index finger.

Sakura gagged, Kakashi grinned under his mask and Sasuke's smirk widened ever so slightly. Sakura watched on in horror as he uncrossed his arms, pushed himself off the bridge's railing and started to walk towards 'Noriko', stopping right in front of her.

"Noriko, eh?", he drawled. "How about some ramen, _Noriko?_ My treat, of course."

'Noriko' squealed happily at the prospect of free ramen and latched onto his arm right away. "Right, let's go! Let's go!", she urged Sasuke and began pulling at his arm impatiently. "Ramen, ramen, _ramen_!" And Sasuke smiled. Not a smirk, a real smile.

Sakura gasped and Kakashi dropped his _precious_ in shock. Sasuke was _smiling_! Had hell started freezing over already? Surely the Narutoverse would collapse and vanish with a loud '_plop!_' any time now! Sasuke did not smile – it was like an unwritten rule or something. Just like it was an unwritten rule that you are to wear nail-polish if you're an insane bad guy. More so if you killed off nearly your entire clan. _Single-handedly._

Ahem.

Anyways… Sakura was totally at a loss, gaping and staring and gaping some more, unable to comprehend the situation. Meanwhile Kakashi had picked up his copy of Icha Icha Paradise, vowing solemnly that he'd never ever drop it again. When Sasuke put an arm around 'Noriko's' shoulders, Sakura regained her ability to speak.

"Naruto!", she screeched. "I thought you said you didn't like guys!"

'Noriko' stopped dead in her tracks, effectively halting Sasuke in his step as well. The blonde was silent for a while, then she turned her head to beam at Sakura over her shoulder. "I don't, but I said it before… I have no shame when it comes to ramen!" She then resumed walking, taking poor Sakura's crush with her.

Sakura fell to her knees in utter depression, watching the Uchiha's arm around 'Noriko's' shoulders slide lower… and _lower_… until it was slapped away by a tanned hand and chose to rest at the small of the blonde girl's back. When the pair vanished around the corner, Sakura put a hand over her slightly parted lips and stared off into space disbelievingly.

Next to her a seemingly totally oblivious Kakashi was sighing with relief – his beloved Icha Icha Paradise had forgiven him! He was the happiest man on earth!

And in an empty alley, a dark-haired man formed the handseals of a jutsu he had copied earlier with his Sharingan. After the smoke cleared he, or rather she, pulled out a small mirror, inspecting her reflection.

"Huh, not bad. Not bad at all!", Itachi said. "I'll have to thank Na… ah, I mean, _Noriko_ for this later." And then he was gone.

Somewhere in a distant universe an authoress was laughing her head off.

* * *

Yeah, it is stupid - but it wouldn't stop bugging me, so I had to write it...

And I'll say it again: **Thine-When-Slain**, I love you! And to you, dear reader: visit her profile. Now. That is... after you reviewed. XP

Thanks for taking the time to read.


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